Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The unknown...

I rejoined again last evening but could not bring myself to look at my weigh-in starting weight. I don't want to know the bad news...
Because my leader knows me and my past experiences with WW, I had her look at my starting weight and figure my daily points allowance. It didn't change from the last time...that is a "good" thing I guess. I wanted to spare myself the depressing feeling of being a failure and am hoping that given a successful week of being on the program I can go into next week’s meeting, get weighed and have the joy of a successful weight loss.
We've all heard the common quip, "There is fear in the unknown." but not knowing my starting weight gives me some peace... I know it is bad because I can feel it in how my clothes fit and how my body feels. I know it is not good because I can see it every time I look in the mirror or at a picture taken this summer. My leader says it is just a number but that number equals all the negatives that go with being overweight and unhealthy. At least by not seeing that number I don't have to have it rolling around in my head taunting me repeatedly. I would rather see that number next week AND the minus X pounds that go with it... Then I will have concurred that fear of the unknown...
Another common remark we've all heard is, "What you don't know can't hurt you." Ha! We all know this isn't true... If there were a rattle snake between your sheets and you didn't know it when you got into bed, would it bite you? Oh yeah, you bet it would! However, I am already hurting every time I get dressed up and fix my hair and makeup to go out. I am already hurting when I am not able to do many of the things I was once able to because of my size and the physical shape I am in now. By not knowing that starting number I am not adding salt to the wound... which would hurt a great deal!
Some may think that not knowing my weigh-in weight means I am in denial and that if I don't face the facts I won't be able to deal with it. Well, I am not in denial or I wouldn't have gone in to rejoin. I already know the facts and by walking through those doors and facing the very same people who have seen me so many times before I am facing these facts. I don't think denial is where I am at. I simply don't want that number to haunt me throughout this week telling me what a loser I am.
What I look forward to is being able to be a real "loser"! I want to be able to say, "On August 3, 2010 I joined Weight Watchers weighing XXX pounds and have lost XX pounds! Isn't that amazing?!" Right now, XXX gives me a negative feeling but in the weeks and months to come my hope, my prayer is that XXX will begin to be less a negative and more a positive testimony to the success I will have loosing the weight.
So, for now, I do not want to know what my weigh-in weight is but I look forward to seeing it next week with a minus under it.

Psalm 16:11
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

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